Doodad Kind of Town


Breaking Up is Hard to Do
April 28, 2007, 1:27 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Normally, I wouldn’t give my post a title culled from the wisdom of Neil Sedaka, but that really does say it all.

I’m now almost four weeks past my break-up, and life is only just beginning not to suck. There are more elegant ways to put it, but just saying it sucks really conveys the awful essence of the last four weeks.

Oh, sure, for the first week I was in cheeful, brave denial – keeping busy, venting to friends, receiving lots of attention and consolation. Then for the next week, I could barely get out of bed, and the only thing I looked forward to was getting back into bed at the end of the day. The only time I wasn’t sad or angry or otherwise absolutely miserable was when I was asleep. I missed the “good morning” phone calls and the”good night” phone calls, the cuddling in bed to watch “The Daily Show” together, and the Saturday morning trips to the dog park. Weeks three and four have been uneven. I sail through some days – on other days, I’ll see something on TV or hear a song on the radio that brings back early, happy memories of us, and I end up in a fetal position, clutching Kleenex and sobbing for a half-hour.

There is no easy way through a break-up – you just have to wade through the shit, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you start to feel better. For me personally, it’s never been a journey I take without consuming an unreasonable amount of junk food, at least in the early days. I’ve worked out frequently in the last four weeks, in an attempt to be good to myself, but I’ve more than balanced out the gym time with generous amounts of chocolate and French fries. That’ll come to a stop soon, but grief is an emotion far stronger than willpower.

I booked a trip to Vegas. A friend and I go every year, and this will not be the first time that timing of the Vegas trip is based on my need to heal a broken heart (although my heart is more badly broken this time than before.) Blinding neon lights in the dessert, frosty poolside cocktails, Cirque De Soleil shows, and the ding-ding-ding-ding-ding of slot machines making big payouts. These are the mindless delights that dazzle me and distract from my sadness. The trip is still 6 weeks away, but I’ve already purchased my new bathing suit, adorable cover-up, and cute matching sandals. Retail therapy is also good for a broken heart.

But in the end, it’s praying and surrendering and asking God to show me the way that help get out of bed each morning and look for something good in eeach day, even when my heart feels so heavy that I want to lie down again and pull the covers over my head. So, I keep marching forwards, looking for light, waiting for hope and optimism to return, praying that I learn to trust again.

Sorry, it’s not a happy post today, but it’s where I am.

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